I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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