so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
