nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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