a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
