I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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