im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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