Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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