you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
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I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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