i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
