Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It's just like the Real World with babies
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
