toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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