You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I would ride that face into the sunset
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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