Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
