How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
