piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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