Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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