I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
