Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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