Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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