Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
