Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
