frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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