i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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