dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
