Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
