he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Terrible idea I love it
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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