As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
