Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
