yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Found the puke drawer
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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