Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
