My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
