So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
