I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
