Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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