wanna go halves on a baby?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
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I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?