The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
