we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
