You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
