I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just found puke in my bra..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
