I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
