Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
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I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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