I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
