True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
