He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
