He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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