I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
