I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
