I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
