my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
