I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Send help, water and tortillas.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
