this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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