fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
