Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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