I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
