Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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