i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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