just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
